Feelings of rejection are the bane of every dancer’s existence.
Here's a clue.
Last week I explained how to change your experience of getting turned down. This week, you’ll learn how take the sting out of rejecting people.
We all get to be in the shoes of the rejector at least once in a while. Some reject very rarely. Others reject more often: People who are injured, high demand/low supply dancers, the shy or awkward, and so on.
If you’re a newer dancer you might think, “Oh, I’ll never reject anyone!” or “No one cares if I say no.” Not true. The longer you are around, the more others will notice you and care what you think about them. One day you may be injured, or tired, or having a bad day. Best to learn how to gracefully say no to dance now.
There are 3 basic ways to reject someone gracefully:
- Preemptive Techniques
- Rejections With No Further Commitments
- “Softening the Blow” Techniques
“No” is enough. You are not required to be responsible for others’ reactions, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even so, graceful rejections have a lot of benefits.
Why Learn Graceful Rejections?
- It hurts to reject. Mirror neurons in our brains make us feel what the other person is feeling.
- Crummy dances suck for everyone. Do you give your friends crappy obligatory or guilt-forced dances? Then don’t do that to strangers, either.
- Treating others as equals levels the playing field for them AND you. Haven’t you had enough of power dynamics?
- It feels good to respect your own boundaries. Your yeses are more sincere. And when it’s safe to say no to things you don’t want, you can stretch your boundaries in a way that feels right to you.
- Reputation management. If people think you are shy, snobby, irritable, or awkward, you may be able to do something about that perception.
Limitations
It is virtuous to be considerate. On the flip side, you can’t control other people’s feelings. Even when you try your best to treat others respectfully, they may feel hurt anyways. There are no 100% effective methods for graceful rejections.
Some days you may not be emotionally available enough to be especially considerate. I call these my “down days” or “introverted days.” Or the other person may catch you off guard with an odd asking method. Again, all you can do is your best.
And FYI, there’s no way to pretend to be considerate. Never fake it.
Preemptive Techniques
These have limited usefulness and don’t work every time. They are good for nights when you are feeling introverted, stressed, or otherwise tapped out.
Avoid eye contact
Most people understand this most fundamental form of communication. Use it too much, however, and you can come across as icy, unapproachable, shy, or awkward (depending on the perspective of the rejectee).
Remove yourself from the dance space
This works well for times when you don’t feel like dancing, but you want to be around your friends.
Rejections With No Further Commitments
For when you’re not ready to commit to further contact with the other person. These are good for nights when you are tapped out socially/emotionally/physically, or when you don’t know the asker well. Make sure to deliver these rejections with eye contact.
“Actually, do you mind if I sit this one out?”
You might add, “I’m feeling really tired,” or “I’d like to watch for a little bit.” I’ve gotten good results every time I’ve said this. It sounds like you’re asking their permission to say no. Naturally no one ever argues.
The honest excuse
This is the hardest one. Most excuses come across as, well, excuses. However, there is a way to both treat someone as an equal and still say no. Body language is key: Make eye contact, lean toward your asker, and give your excuse. “You know, my feet are really killing me. Have you seen these ridiculous shoes I’m wearing?” Bonus points for making a small joke in hopes that they will laugh.
The self-deprecating excuse
“I’m a sweaty mess and badly need to change shirts,” or “I’m dancing terribly tonight, and I’m not going to inflict that on you,” or “I’m an idiot and hurt my back, so I’m trying to take it easy.”
NOTE: When you’re on the receiving end, don’t negotiate with their excuse. They are trying to politely say no and take the blame for it, too. So don’t say, “Oh I don’t mind sweat!” or, “I’m sure you’ll dance fine,” or, “I’ll be really careful!” In return for dismissing their initial excuse, you’ll either get a god-awful obligatory dance, or you’ll get a firm no that’s less polite.
“Softening the Blow” Techniques
These are my top-shelf techniques. They really communicate that you care about the other person. You’re saying yes to them as a human being, but no to this dance right now. I use these on nights when I’m feeling more social and less shy.
“Let’s catch a dance later.”
There are many variations on how to deliver this line. Assuming the timing is right later in the night, you will of course be happy to make good on your promise.
Start a conversation with the other person
You can use this in conjunction with most other techniques in this article. It works better later in the night when you’re winding down. Examples: “Are you having a good time tonight?” “What do you think of the band?”
And In Conclusion, Sometimes It STILL Doesn’t Go Well
Dancers frequently experience embarrassment, hurt, or anger when rejected. They might stand there awkwardly (my normal reaction), walk off in a huff, question your excuse, or heckle you to dance.
'Dance with me, ya jerk!' Photo credit: Kjunstorm
They’re not necessarily bad people, and they may well get over it. Try not to judge them OR yourself. Everyone is a work in progress.
For further help with getting your dance groove on, check out The Beginner Dancer’s Survival Guide.
What tips do you have for respectful rejections?
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s a nice article, but I’m afraid it doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. I don’t think anyone minds taking a rain check if you actually follow through on it. It’s upsetting when someone says their feet hurt, and then you see them dancing with someone else, sometimes during the same song. It’s not the rejection. It’s the dishonesty. Your article assumes that those who routinely reject others are acting in good faith. Some of them are, but many are not.
Yes exactly. You can’t fake consideration. You have to do your best. I assume people have good intentions because most of them do. But everyone fails now and again. I’m hoping this article will help them see that there are ways to be more graceful about rejection.
I really kind of think it’s still the rejection that hurts at that point. And it’s more pointed, because you know it’s definitely you they didn’t want to dance with. But I really don’t think it’d hurt any less if they were “honest” and said “No, I don’t wish to dance with you,” before turning to someone else.
Please don’t ever take it personally, even when the person rejecting you dances with someone else right after rejecting you. You have no idea why they said no to you and yes to the other person. For example, maybe my back is hurting me and I need to take it easy, so I tell you no. Then someone else comes up that I already rejected once. A couple of hours ago, I told him I was tired, and I promised I would dance with him later. I can’t reject him again! Or maybe that second person that comes up is that tacky person that insists he’ll be careful, so eventually I feel I have to give in. Or maybe he’s my friend that is about to leave for the night and I do know for sure that I will be safe. There are an infinite number of genuine reasons that may have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Also, if it’s late and I’m going home at the end of the night (ie. I’m not staying at the hotel of an event), I’ll change shoes when I’m done dancing but still want to stay and chat a bit. That’s my best preemptive technique.
I used one recently which seemed to work.
It was getting towards the end of the night, I had already danced with this lead that night, but was yet to dance with, amongst others, my partner, as it was such a busy night and he got there a little late. So I told the guy I had a lineup of people who I wished to dance with who I had not yet the opportunity to dance with, and I had limited dancing left in me, so my dance card for the rest of the night was full. He took it well, as it was obviously a genuine excuse as I could point to 4 leads within close proximity who I dance with a lot who I had not yet danced with all night, and I didn’t have to feel like I needed to sit a dance out in consideration of his feelings.
But, there really ARE times when you really are hurt. And you really did intend to sit out. But, someone you know and trust comes along and asks you to dance later. You will put up with pain to dance with someone you relly enjoy dancing with. but, you might not put up with pain to dance with someone you do not know very well. You are not being dishonest about the pain. Just selective.
I agree. When my back was injured, I really felt bad for being selective about who I danced with. There was no easy way to communicate, “I’m really afraid of feeling pain while dancing with you–but that’s not your fault! You can’t fix me!”
In this situation, maybe you could edit it to “I’m semi-injured tonight and really afraid of feeling pain while dancing, so I am only dancing with a few people I feel super duper overly comfortable with. Do you mind if I take a rain check?”
If you say this (and here is the key part) while actually caring what the other person replies, this could have an added benefit beyond avoiding a possible injury. The other person might ask you what they could do to make you feel more comfortable with them, spurring a conversation that might improve their dancing (&/or your dancing).
And I am not saying that you should dance with them right then & there to show them how to be more comfortable, but being willing to enter into a conversation with them shows you care about their feelings.
That’s pretty much the track I took. The only problem is when I didn’t want to have a conversation about the injury. People just LOVE to give you advice about your injury or convince you you’ll be fine dancing with them. An injured dancer (especially one with a back injury) often can’t tell you what they need. If they could, it wouldn’t be a problem, would it? So we injury-prone people go on intuition: what feels right.
PRO TIP: Think twice before you barrage an injured person with questions or give them advice. They often have repetitive conversations about their injury and may be tired of talking about it.
Good point. With those talkers, have you then tried “I have talked about this a lot recently and I am getting tired of talking about my injury. Can we change subjects or save this talk for another time when I am feeling more up for it?”
Hey Rebecca,
I like the concept you are promoting here and I think the idea behind it is extremely important. At the same time, I think people could take it to a whole new level if the goal was adjusted to be…
How to Say “No” & Make Your Partner Feel Great About It!
I am not claiming to have all the answers on how to achieve this goal but I do know that taking on this mindset/goal has helped me in many ways.
I will share a technique to help achieve this but first…
I believe that we all have the innate ability within us to achieve this, at least to some degree, even without any learned techniques. Plus, if we aim high, even if we don’t achieve that goal, we will probably achieve a lot more than if we aim lower. So if we aim to make them feel great, even if we fail, we are less likely to have them hate us. But if we aim to make sure they don’t hate us and we fail… well… they will definitely hate us. :-)
So I guess the first technique I would recommend is just try it (or better yet, just do it). If you fail, don’t beat yourself up, just recognize that you did your best in that moment.
The second technique is to actually care about their response AND show you care.
I would recommend that we make a list of things that people have done that made us feel they cared about us and a list of things that people have done that made us feel they don’t care.
The list is not to say this is 100% accurate, if you do this = you care, if you do that = you don’t care. Instead, it is to give you an arsenal of things to be able to choose from that might help show you care as well as a bunch of things to be aware might make it appear that you don’t care. Some of them might even go in both categories depending on the person/situation.
For example…
CARE:
Took time to chat with me.
Introduce me to someone.
Gave me an explanation.
Told the truth.
Made sure to ask me to dance on another occasion.
Avoided eye contact with me.
DIDN’T CARE:
Ignored me.
Ran off to dance with someone else.
Avoided eye contact with me.
Any others?
By the way, I don’t actually believe that someone who “ignores me, dances with someone else, or avoids eye contact with me” doesn’t care. I just needed some examples so I made those up. That said, I know there are people who believe that, so they are probably still appropriate examples.
I love the idea of keeping caring and consideration in mind… I think it could be taken to a whole NEW NEW level by framing it as a two-way street of caring. ”How to ask and answer and make everyone feel great!”
Most people feel lousy saying the word ‘no’, even when they know they have a ‘legit’ reason– everyone would feel better if both sides showed as much caring as possible.
Just as you say, “trying” is half the battle– you may not get it right all the time but you can feel better knowing you tried, and you shouldn’t feel bad if you know you tried.
To me, these are things that show caring and not caring when someone is asking~~ Again, just a list off the top of the head–
“caring”
asking when the person is free– do they seem super engaged with someone or something else now?
are their dance shoes on?
have they been looking at the asker often?
“not caring”
asked even though the person ‘seems to be avoiding them’
interrupting a tete-a-tete conversation
bypassing a wall of eager partners to ask a dancer who isn’t showing interest in dancing
When I try and generate a list, it really seems to come out as the similar to the ideas that Rebecca outlined in other posts. I like the idea of manifesting “caring” in one’s own personal actions, though.
Honestly, I really don’t know about the “Rejections With No Further Commitments” techniques. If you’re comfortable with them, that’s great, but a simple “no” along with a friendly smile should suffice, and if the asker takes it personally then that’s their problem. I suppose this sounds a little harsh (and I’m not saying I’m always a graceful rejectee :) ), but really, there’s no way of knowing what’s going on in the rejecter’s head, and they shouldn’t be forced to make stuff up just to make the asker feel better.
On a related note, is there any graceful way to get out of a dance once it’s started? For instance, if the person you’re dancing with is over-the-top drunk and you didn’t realize it until you started dancing (I know it seems like it should be impossible to miss the signs before agreeing to dance, but sadly I’ve had this happen once or twice). Or if someone is doing something that threatens injury (there are a couple of leads that I will NEVER, for any reason, dance with again because I seriously thought I was going to end up with a shoulder injury from their crazy leading). In my 5 years of social dancing I’ve only left the dance floor once in the middle of a song, when a lead would not give me the personal space I asked for, but there have definitely been a few times when I was tempted to end the dance early but didn’t due to embarrassment.
The real question for me is – how to say ‘no’ to a person who you don’t want to dance with – ever? I don’t mind giving people a chance, but there are people who think that one dance is a green light for them to ask you 3 more times in one night (that’s the price for being friendly and encouraging); also, people who keep basic stepping in close position while trying to find out all your contact details, likes/dislikes, names of all the dogs that you’ve had – even when you give one word answers. Then there are those who don’t ask – they walk behind you, grab you by the hand/shoulders, and when you turn around to see who that is – bam!, too late, you’re already on the dance floor: that one is particularly annoying, I think I have walked away from 1 or 2 of those saying ‘you didn’t ask me’.
That is definitely the time to look them in the eye and say politely and firmly “No, thank you.” I have paid that price too, and just learning now that there are times when it must be done. Or, as one friend advised me (bearing in mind in my scene it is USUAL to have 2 dances with each partner) say ” I usually do not dance more than twice with anyone in the one night.” It is the truth for me. Occasionally I’ll have a third dance if it is going well, or if there are very few dancers present, but otherwise I feel I am being monopolised, and will resent it, when quite possibly, particularly with newbies, they may not be aware that they are monopolising you.
All of these are valid. But all are of them are very “soft” demurrals, seemingly grounded in the assumption that the person being asked owes the asker something beyond courtesy. They don’t. Sometimes someone asks me to dance, and I simply don’t want to dance with them. Maybe right now, or maybe ever. And yes, sometimes I feel like I have to make it my “fault” by having an ‘honest’ excuse or a ‘self-deprecating’ excuse or asking their permission, so that I don’t get called a bitch, but I HATE that. I don’t need their permission to say no because they don’t own me. And maybe I don’t want to dance later, and maybe I don’t want to have a conversation with them. Maybe I’m too brokenhearted to dance with strangers, and that is nobody’s goddamn business.
Sorry if this is a little testy, but as a woman I feel like we’re always being told to take the blame onto ourselves and do *every possible thing* to take the blame and bad feelings in a situation and carry that water. It is TOTALLY possible to just flat out say no without being a dick about it. I find “No, thank you” to work very well. I also find “I’m not dancing this song” to be an effective shutdown, and it has the virtue of being true (even if I decided it after they asked me) without feeling like I’m apologizing.
I recently had a discussion with a very popular, very good pro dancer about this topic. And I told him that I felt more comfortable asking him to dance than a lot of very high level leads, because he *had* turned me down before. When he doesn’t want to dance with me, he says no. But then *when he says yes*, we’re gonna DANCE. And I like it better that way.
Awesome post. There are a lot of fragile egos in the lindy scene (and I’m one of them), but I’m more and more appreciating honesty in dance interactions. There’s nothing worse than dancing with someone who doesn’t want to be dancing with you. I’d much rather get a rejection, so I can find someone who does actually want to dance.
And if you don’t want to dance with someone at all ever, don’t give a wishy-washy ‘raincheck’ type response. Grow some balls, and say a firm but courteous “No thank you”. Otherwise they’ll probably keep asking and you’ll have to keep putting forth lame excuses, which makes it worse for everyone involved.
Winston, this is generally a pretty astute thing to say.
But by using “balls” — and I don’t think it was a deliberate reference, either; these types of things are usually unconscious, which makes them that much more insidious — you completely ignore one of the most central points Elle was making, which was that women are subject to much more harshness if they’re even just *firm* about saying “No” than men are. That we women are constantly exhorted to “manage the feelings of men” in these kinds of situations, and we’re sharply criticized if we don’t take on that extra burden.
And if we don’t point this out, it’s consistently overlooked.
^^ *gentle hint*
“women are subject to much more harshness if they’re even just *firm* about saying “No” than men are. That we women are constantly exhorted to “manage the feelings of men” in these kinds of situations, and we’re sharply criticized if we don’t take on that extra burden.”
Interesting… I grew up with the exact opposite feelings. I would literally substitute “men” for “women” and vice versa in the sentence above due to my cultural upbringing. Just goes to show how easily each person’s upbringing can influence their beliefs of what is or isn’t true.
Personally, I find immense value in knowing that I don’t have to let my upbringing continue to manage my beliefs and actions.
“Personally, I find immense value in knowing that I don’t have to let my upbringing continue to manage my beliefs and actions.”
Then — especially given the fact that two women who don’t know each other, and who don’t know where the other is from, have commented on the exact same phenomenon — I certainly wish you’d offer a word to the people who feel so free to criticize women so harshly under these circumstances.
M, sure…
anyone, man or woman, who criticizes someone else for saying no to them, is not going to live as happy as if they would if they were accepting of that no. And their criticism might also influence others to also be unhappy too.
That said, I am striving to no longer be one of those people who those critics will influence regardless of their actions. It is not easy due to my upbringing but I find it is extremely valuable to be able to do it.
Does that make sense?
It “makes sense” in the context that since you’re not a woman who’s ever been subjected to it, and therefore has no idea what we go through, you’re preaching to those women — us women — to “not let the [endless societal] criticism bother them/you” with a complete lack of empathy.
So in a broader sense?
No. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, because you’re attempting to assume authority to lecture with no real empathy for your audience.
And I’ve never found that to be a terribly effective tactic for delivering a message, irrespective of how profound I might think my message is personally. Because I have to think about what my target audience thinks about that message.
I hope *that* makes sense.
(I’m not *that* optimistic about it, however, because from your comments here you do also strike me as the type of guy who feels absolutely compelled to have the last word.)
Hi M,
I feel like we are going down a path that is not necessarily beneficial for either of us. I apologize if I have offended you or shown a lack of empathy towards you or women in general. It was definitely not my intention. I can see how it might have looked that way.
I do like to be understood, so I would like to continue to discuss this not because I want to have the last word but because I feel that judgments have been made on my moral character that are not accurate and I don’t want them to sit in cyberspace without a response.
If you already know me and believe I am a jerk or lack empathy towards women, that would be a disappointment for me and I will work to improve. If you are basing your judgement on the five short paragraphs that I made that were intended to give possibilities of happiness rather than harm (and apparently was done poorly), then I would say, please hold your final thoughts about me until you have time to really get to know me (or check with some of the other people in the dance world that do know me already, see if they agree).
The thing that I am trying not to find offensive (and I hope you don’t mean to do this on purpose) is that it seems like you assume that because I am not a woman, I can’t have been subjected to this experience. I am a man and I am saying that I have been subjected to this. You can believe me or not. You can believe that your degree of being subjected to this was stronger than mine or less than mine or equal to mine and the only real way for us to know is to swap bodies and relive each other’s lives. I won’t argue what your experience is because I am not you. I was not trying to argue your experience or the experience of any woman.
I was merely trying to relate. Saying, I too have dealt with this issue (maybe not to your degree but in my mind it was very very strong and I would have thought it was higher than any woman’s degree as that was my personally feelings, right or wrong). And it weighed on me for years, seriously weighed on me. Now it doesn’t weigh on me as much anymore because I have changed how I let things affect me, and I find that awesome. I hope other people learn this concept because it is something that has bettered my life and I hope it does the same for other people too.
It is just like a dance technique. When you learn it, you want to share it and hope that it brings people happiness. It won’t work for everyone, but I bet it will work for some. If you are not one of those people, no worries, don’t take the concept. But that doesn’t mean it is any less valuable of a concept and that there aren’t men and women who would find this concept valuable.
Maybe I just wrote a very poor explanation of what I was trying to say and you needed more clarification?
Still, I feel like your last statement was demeaning my experience of being subjected to this and you were demeaning the value that I experienced from overcoming it. You are welcome to do that, but I don’t think it is helpful to either of us and I hope it wasn’t what you were trying to do.
btw, I am not claiming to be perfect at this concept of changing how I let things affect me.
Some things still affect me negatively. Still, I no longer believe that they have to affect me negatively and if it is important to me, I try to change it. Some of them seem very difficult due to long term societal criticisms, like the ability to be ok with having been molested as a man. Preface, I am not claiming that this is something more difficult to deal with than being molested as a woman, I can’t speak for that, but if you don’t think there are societal criticisms of being molested as a man, you clearly have never been in my shoes.
My point is, if Nelson Mandela could avoid letting 27 years of torture affect him negatively, I can certainly overcome my habits of letting my being molested affect me negatively. And if I can overcome that (and I already have), I can overcome anything else society trys to put on me. Note, I did not say I will overcome everything. I said I can.
Sharing this concept on this forum is one of the ways that I reinforce it in my own mind so that the next time something is about to affect me negatively, I am a little stronger in my ability to choose not to let it do that. So it is not just for others that I write this, it is to remind myself as well.
Wow, what a wonderful essay, Rebecca. I’ve done every terrible thing you’ve listed at one time or another, I think – eek. my dance manners are fair, they aren’t great. Thanks for the reminders.
Re: rejecting a dance
The best advice I ever got was the hardest to adopt, though.Just smile and say “No, thank you.” when you don’t want to dance with someone. . A lot depends on the moment, your voice and eye contact, and the other person for its emotional impact. It needn’t be harsh or contemptuous. And then you’re free t to dance with someone else without adding insult to the injury of rejection.
Re: being rejected or overlooked
I’ve learned that dancers vote with their feet. I’ve learned that social status, youth and beauty count and that social status, youth and beauty don’t count. I’ve learned that musicality, heart and skill always count.
This is a great article. I would be curious to see a poll on how many people prefer an honest rejection politely said to the excuse that is revealed to be an excuse (whatever the reason): having had a disagreement with someone over this very topic. Rejection is hard to take, but at least the honest rejection wastes no one’s time or energy. Speaking from both sides, the rejected person can move on and the rejectee may not have somebody following them around to get the dance later (I say “may not” as someone I turned down politely still persisted – he was slightly stalkerish). But if you do have a good excuse, here are a few tips on how to turn someone down gracefully.
I’m with the ones who say stick to “No, thank you”, or “No, thank you very much” and a smile. If you don’t owe someone a dance, you don’t owe them a lie. I think that elaboration is disrespectful, and it’s nearly always a mistake, because those who don’t feel entitled to the dance will cope just as well or better without an excuse, and those who do feel entitled will use it as a means to continue the conversation, try to catch you out, and escalate until you have to stop making excuses and say “excuse me, it has to be my choice”. Which it does.
If there really is a specific reason why you are saying no, such that if it wasn’t there you would say yes, then it makes sense to say it. If it’s just that you don’t want to dance with them, then I think it does more harm than good. And as much thought should be put into asking as answering. You can usually get a pretty good idea of whether someone would like to dance with you or not without having to ask – if you actually care that it should be their choice.
I know it’s a little dishonest but sometimes, if a man asks me to dance who I don’t feel respects my boundaries, I say “actually” and sort of make a vague gesture towards the other side of the room as if someone has already asked me to dance. Maybe it’s a bit of a white lie. But I think it’s less hurtful than saying “I want to sit this one out” and dancing with someone else so the rejectee can clearly see that you’re not tired. Other times, I actually come out and say someone has already asked me to dance even if it’s not true. As I say, maybe not super honest but it feels good to be able to say no to people who don’t respect my boundaries.
Good one! Can you stand behind me on my awkward nights and just whisper in my ear what I should say? Also we could try an earpiece. Yes, that might be more appropriate. :-)
Hey Andrew, thank you for sharing that. It’s really easy to play out stereotypes (something I’m sure I do), so it’s refreshing to see you break expectations. And at the same time, it’s sad that men have to work so hard sometimes to get their feelings and experiences taken seriously. If I’m honest with myself, I have no idea whether it’s more difficult for men or women’s feelings to be taken seriously. “Man up” is such a common response to men’s feelings. The men I know don’t even dare to share deeply with each other that often.
So, I guess my grander idea is that we can work on men’s issues at the same time as we work on women’s issues. Luckily, the gulf between men and women grows smaller. As time goes on, hopefully we will less often compare our level of suffering to others.