Almost everyone struggles socially at some point. If you are confused and feeling rejected, if you need a social pep talk, if you’re having trouble meeting people you can relate to, this post is for you.
Best friends!! (via ajusticenetwork)
All dancers fall into one of these 3 categories:
- People who have been dancing longer than you
- People who started dancing around the same time as you
- People who are newer dancers than you
Seem obvious? Most people mix up the above set of categories with this set:
- Intimidating People. They dance better than you or are part of the cool clique.
- Easy Friends. They dance at your same level (ish) or are easy to approach.
- Forgettables. Whats-his-name? Newbies. Awkward or shy people.
The first set of categories are real. It’s undeniably true that some people have been dancing more or less time than you.
The second set of categories are mental, how we perceive other dancers. Because our brains are flexible, this set of categories is fluid. A person who’s been dancing a lot longer than you can be an Intimidating Person one day, and an Easy Friend the next.
Each category of dancers has their own needs, and thus requires a different approach:
People Who Started Dancing At the Same Time
Hands down, this is the best place to start creating your social circle. People at your same level of dancing are easy to meet and talk to for tons of reasons. They are in your dance classes, they’ll forgive your dance mistakes, and they’ll be most willing to practice with you.
With this group, you’ve been through similar stages in your dancing at the same time. You’re so excited and nervous at the beginning. When the euphoria starts to wear off, you can relate. You’ll go out after classes and dances. And when you realize there’s more to life than dancing (haha), you’ll naturally start making plans to do regular friend things.
Top Tips:
- Relax and be yourself. These people aren’t judging you.
- After you’ve seen and danced with them a bunch, feel free to initiate the ritual of going out after a dance or class. This is often where the real getting-to-know-you happens.
- Good topics of conversation: Anything dancing. Hobbies. Work. School. Kids. Anything that gets the ball rolling.
Further Reading: 6 Steps to Ace Your Shyness
Newer People
Forgetting names and faces is rampant in partner dancing. After a while, even a few months, you find yourself wondering, “Who are all these new people? Where did they come from? Have I danced with this guy before?”
Newer people sometimes act like you're this guy. (via dbking)
Newer people are worth talking to because you might really like them.
Newer people mainly just want to dance with you. If you’re up for it, those 4 minutes of dancing are a good time investment. Especially when they turn out to be pretty cool months down the road. The dance friends you have now may move on to other interests, have babies before you do, or move away.
Top Tips:
- See a newbie outside of dancing? Take advantage of the moment and talk to them for realz. It’s not a commitment to dance with them every night from then on. You’re feeling out whether you might like to be friends with this person in real life. It’s a process.
- A little goes a long way. One dance, remembering someone’s name or a fact about their life. It’s easy to make the bridge to acquaintanceship.
- Good topics of conversation (if you like them and they don’t run off after the dance): Literally anything, so long as you’re smiling and making eye contact.
Further Reading: 23 Ways to Start a Conversation With Any Lindy Hopper
Those Who Have Been Dancing Longer
People who have been dancing longer are usually at a different stage of dancing. The crazy psychotic joy of dancing has long since worn off, and they want different things from their friends. They desire stability in their social group, close ties built on common values and activities in and outside of dancing.
For them, it’s not just about dancing anymore. It’s about connecting. A long-time dancer will often do less social dancing and more chillin’ at dances. They need that space.
Since people naturally trickle out of dancing, there are progressively fewer dancers who have been dancing longer. Your friend group is likely not going to be primarily made up of this category.
Top Tips:
- Remember that when you’re feeling intimidated or afraid of rejection, your brain amplifies feelings and creates misperceptions (but it feels so REAL!!). Don’t listen to the mental chatter; it doesn’t control you.
- You might end up friends with a person years after you meet them. Don’t prematurely put someone on your shit list unless they have been concretely mean to you.
- Good topics of conversation: Any common non-dance thing that helps you bond fast. Pets. World travels. Working for the same company. The college you both attended.
Further Reading: Why the Cool People Aren’t Talking to You Yet & 27 Best Ways to Get Rejected at a Dance
And Finally…
Remember that everyone is in every category, relative to someone else. I had a very deflating moment when a student first told me they got really nervous dancing with me. Holy crap! I had become someone’s Intimidating Person. A lot of my feelings were put into perspective.
I’m interested in hearing your tips! How have you successfully befriended someone you thought was intimidating? How do you make friends with newer people?
Leave a comment, then share this with your friends so they can give us their advice, too.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, you are my intimidating person as well =)
I will wear riot gear next time I see you. ;-)
Oh god
Any tips for making same-sex dance circle friends? This has been hard for me, and because I’m in a relationship, I’m not interested in making close friends with opposite-sex dancers. It has been hard for me to meet same-sex dancers because I think we are all kind of wrapped up in the opposite-sex attention we get from dancing, and the time that takes up. Any advice would help!
Ask them to dance! Lindy hop doesn’t have to be opposite sex only. It’s supposed to be social. If you haven’t tried following/leading yet, then give it a shot and see what happens!
If you’re not ready to try role-switching yet, then just approach them and introduce yourself. We go out dancing to have fun, not to compete or show up others. “Relax and be yourself. These people aren’t judging you.”
And as Rebecca said, “…go out after classes and dances. And when you realize there’s more to life than dancing (haha)”
PS: I believe what Rebecca meant by more to life than dancing was eating, sleeping, and showers.
Ohh, great answer. I need to somehow add an upvote function to my blog…
Mm, that’s hard, isn’t it?
Basically you need to have repeated contact with a person you want to be friends with, right? I don’t make close friends easily either, and I know I need a lot of short conversations to cross over into friendship.
Assuming you’re good enough at conversing, try to find opportune times to say a little more than ‘hello’. Like at the water fountain, waiting for a dance, taking a break, etc.
OR you could try volunteering at an event or your local venue. You’ll meet tons of people, and there will be plenty of opportunities to talk.
The key is to be consistent with conversing with a person, esp at a place where you don’t know anyone. Good luck!
I think agree that getting involved can be a great way to get more comfortable with dancers in any of the categories. Speaking from an organizer perspective, I rely a lot on the time I spend with community members outside of designated dance times. Any extra time you can give to your dance community will result in being more connected with people and making new dance friends.
A good way to start conversations with other follows (or other leads), especially in new cities, is to ask them which leads (or follows) they enjoy dancing with. People love to recommend other people! Then you also have an in with new leads (“You come highly recommended to me by so-and-so, would you like to dance?”). It spreads the love all around. Just try to keep the conversation positive (who you love dancing with and why) so it doesn’t get into bitch territory (who you HATE dancing with, also a fertile topic).
So, as I see it you are just looking for friends that happen to dance too. Same rules would apply here as in normal situations, only advantage is that you have something common to talk about. Good place to start could be at the bar and talk about the venue, (experiences with) other dancers etc.
But I do miss the point why you would only want to have same-sex friends… For me friends are friends, no matter what sex.
I am so glad that by chance, I came accross your website. Your description of the 3 kind of dancers also the not to be confused with the other set (intimidating…etc) I have never thought of it that way but now I realize it is so true. Although I have been dancing and taken classes for a while, I found to dance with some girls intimidating in the
sense that they will be able to notice any wrong lead ,as they are better dancers than myself (so I think). So before dancing I apologize for any mistake. at the end they say you dance fine I enjoyed it. Even though sometime I still keep wondering if that was only a nice thing to say just only to encourage me to keep on improving.
Yeah, I know that feeling. Feeling like the person is judging your every step, and can tell when you mess up. Some people do judge, but they’re pretty lame to dance with anyways. I think I speak for most girls when I say that we don’t really notice when a guy messes up. Unless he runs me into someone, or kicks me.
Speaking of apologies…I really don’t like it when people I dance with apologize before we dance. It puts me in this defensive mood, which is really weird and awkward. I don’t dance for the quality of a dance anymore, though I think I did at one time. So when someone says, “Oh I’m just a beginner” or “Sorry I asked you to dance” or “I’m not very good”, it colors the whole dance ahead of time and turns “me trying to have fun” into “me trying to convince my partner that I actually am having fun in spite of their mistakes”.
My advice is just dance. Apologize when you kick each other or bang heads or whatever. Dancing’s not something to be sorry for.
Oh yeah! I hate that! Let’s not be sorry about dancing. Also, everyone, please stop asking me how long I’ve been dancing. The answer will only embarrass us both.
When follows say to me before a (social) dance “I’m sorry I’m not very good” or “I’m only a beginner”, I always say that I dance for fun, and not for perfection. All I want is to have fun with you in this dance. This is had good results for me.
I’ve been dancing about 3 years, and I realize dancing can’t always be fun, that there is gain from putting the effort into improving. But the fun message is an important one to get out there.
I’m no expert, but I think I usually dance pretty consistently with all three groups, and my suggestions are the same for all groups (and everyone everywhere all the time, really!): be genuine, be friendly and be open.
Whether it’s a newbie or an intimidator, no one really wants to dance with someone who’s totally fake. Be genuine, whether you’re talking about yourself or taking an interest in the person you’re dancing with.
And in both cases, be friendly and inviting! It’s true that newbies can find regulars intimidating, and it is perhaps equally unfortunate when someone dancing with a superstar dancer becomes nervous, overapologetic or dead silent. You know what makes a big difference in both situations? A smile! On or off the dance floor, it can do wonders.
I can’t recommend being open highly enough. As it says above, you never know when you might find someone you love to dance (or converse!) with someone in any one of those groups. But you’ll never know unless you try! Try all three groups! All the time!
Anyway, there’s my two cents. Thanks for another well-written and relevant blog post, Rebecca. You’re obviously in the “Dancing Longer Than Me/Maybe a Little Intimidating” group, but you’re also one of my favourite Seattleite follows to both converse and dance with!
Hey thanks! I was actually quite tempt to make this post really short:
“Be yourself.” (End of article.) That’s really the spirit of it, right?
‘It’s …unfortunate when someone dancing with a superstar dancer becomes nervous, overapologetic or dead silent.’ Yes. Yes yes yes yes. (I should write a post simply entitled, “Stop Apologizing.”)
Ha! This is a great post that quickly points out the basic faulty assumptions. So easily people get scared or attribute motivations to people they don’t know. In the end dancers are just people.
One way that works pretty well for us Albuquerque kids is game nights. We play card games or board games, and maybe have some wine or other drink to help people relax.
A few years back we were really into dance parties (not Jazz music at all), although the scene in general was younger then.
I guess the best rule of thumb for making lasting friends and connections is to spend time mutually invested together.
AGAIN with the brilliant blog post. Rebecca, this is an absolutely invaluable topic and one that you have tackled with wit, intelligence and wisdom. I’m sharing this immediately with as many people as possible. Thanks for writing this!!!!!
Excellent post. I have danced for 12 years now and on regular occasion I do switch roles. Most people find it fun and interesting. A big smile goes a low way to defusing nervous feelings and makes nearly everybody approachable. Don’t be afraid to dance, make mistakes or ask someone to dance. Dance with everyone, if you don’t click then just move on, no hard feelings… this time is all about YOU! Have a great one!
Another great article! Made me laugh a few times :)
I would add to the list: when a friendly, more experienced dancer agrees to let you write a guest blog for her rad website, maybe DON’T get confused when you see her without glasses on and then ask her what her name is next time you see her. I mean, it seems hypothetical, but it could TOTALLY happen… right?