Every dancer struggles with rejection. It’s heart breaking.
“People who reject you suck! You’re perfect the way you are!” is usually ineffective advice. And on this blog, we hate crappy advice! In this post, you’ll learn about the basics of reading body language and other signals to determine who will most likely say yes.
In real life, you’ll need to make split-second decisions. You won’t have time to whip out this fantastic flow chart. Study it now so the process becomes second nature.
Below we’ll discuss some of the details behind the chart.
(click to enlarge)
You may be thinking, “This is too complex! It’s just dancing!” Cool for you! It sounds like you don’t get rejected very often. Skip this post and get my free email newsletter, with weekly insider tips for improving your dancing.
Note:
If you have guts of steel and don’t care about other people’s feelings, of course you can bend all the rules. However, I don’t especially love dancing with people who don’t read body language or other signals. I definitely recommend learning some discernment and finesse.
First Things First!
Do you actually feel like dancing? Listen to the song. Does it move you?
If you’re very new, you may not yet be able to tell which songs you like and don’t like. That is a-okay! At least make sure you can hear the beat, and that it’s a good tempo for you.
What if you just love to dance to any song that’s played? I’m not completely against this. However, I can tell when my partner would dance to any old song with any old partner. They pay less attention to me and run off at the end of the song to find a new partner.
Don’t be that dancer! People like to feel special.
Making Eye Contact
Eye contact is crucial.
If you want to get more yeses, make eye contact first. This doesn’t mean you stare someone down until they look at you. Remember, we’re learning finesse.
Ideal Situation:
Pick an approachable person who is standing on or near the edge of the floor. Walk towards them, make eye contact, and when you’re close enough to hear their answer ask, “Do you want to dance?” If they don’t look at you or don’t hold your gaze, keep strolling.
Look for the eye contact signal every time. You’ll find your dances become more pleasant and connected.
Warning: DO NOT walk past a line of dancers looking at everyone until someone looks back at you. Pick one person!
Eye Contact Avoidance
Sometimes a person will stand at the edge of the dance floor, even when they don’t want to dance. The normal way to communicate “I don’t want to dance,” is by not making eye contact with people.
Don’t start imagining reasons why someone is avoiding eye contact with you. No one likes to turn other people down. It’s not personal.
Location, Location, Location
When you want to dance, where do you stand? Outside? Near the water fountain? Sitting down behind coats and shoe bags? No way!
People who want to dance stand at the edge of the dance floor. The further away from the dance floor, the less likely they want to dance.
High-Demand Dancers
Who is a high-demand dancer? People who are very visible in your community and have been around a while. Maybe they are teachers or just very good dancers. Sometimes they only dance a few times per night.
High demand and low supply means you shouldn’t be surprised if you can’t catch these people for a dance. They want to be normal people, hang out and dance with their friends like everyone else. Perhaps they don’t wish to dance all night with strangers. Motivations evolve the longer you’ve been dancing.
If you have a good opportunity to ask a high-demand dancer, ask! Don’t be insulted by the answer unless they actually insult you—in which case, screw them! Who cares what they think?
Creepiness and Entitlement
Don’t ask someone to dance if you’re going to label them a jerkface, bitch, or elitist for turning you down.
Entitled behavior makes others uncomfortable. And it can be supremely creepy, especially when it’s a man expecting a dance with a woman. You must accept that when you are turned down, the rejector’s reasons are legitimate, and it doesn’t make them a bad person. (This also works for dating, hint hint.)
If you can’t accept that, or are otherwise creepy, go home and do some thinking.
Previous Refusals
Unless the person rejected you earlier that same night or always says no to you, forget about previous rejections. So what if they said no last month or even last week? If you think you’d enjoy dancing with that person, try again.
If someone refuses you, they may ask to catch a dance with you later in the night. Most people aren’t simply trying to be nice when they say this; they actually mean, “Not now, but probably yes later.” Ask them to dance if you sense the timing is better later on.
Friends Are Your Salvation
Many of these guidelines do not apply if the person is your friend. I mean a real friend. Someone you have conversations with, whom you hang out with outside of dancing.
Why are the guidelines looser with friends? Friends are more likely to say yes. You also know your friends’ body language. Consequently you’re less likely to ask them when they don’t want to dance. And when they say no, you’re not going to take it personally.
Make friends. Dance with them lots.
Photo credit: El Bibliomata
OMG! Can’t this be simpler?
Yes! It will be simpler when you’ve ingrained these guidelines in your subconscious. That takes time and experience. One day you’ll forget you ever struggled with rejection. You’ll have so many friends and so much confidence from how hard you’ve worked on this. For now, keep at it!
When In Doubt, Ask!
There’s no better way to learn than trial by fire! Or you could get my new book, The Beginner Dancer’s Survival Guide.
What other tips do you have on reading body language? Leave a comment and help others out!
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I love the flow-chart. Just reading through it made me glad I didn’t have to organize it :D
Ha, thanks! I spent a long time trying to figure out how to get the lines not to cross. Finally I gave up.
This reminds me of The Journal of Best Practices, that memoir of the guy with Asperger’s who tries to learn how to relate to people.
Interesting chart.
A question: If you are trying to maximize your chances of avoiding rejection, isn’t “Do you like the song?” a bit iffy? What if the person you are asking doesn’t like it?
This question leads onto the “You are not entitled to dance with anyone” box then to “I get it” or “Go Home” depending on whether “you get it”. Now, just a suggestion, would it be an idea to put this first? That way you can implement this ‘maximise yes strategy’ without the loop and without leaving home in the first place?
Some thoughts….
So at the start, you ask yourself “Why am I going to a dance”. Answer “to maximise my chances of dancing” (other answers might lead to all sorts of problems that could possibly be included in your ‘creepy’ box. The ‘creepy’ box is redundant as any ‘creep’ will probably not be self-aware enough to answer the question ‘yes’ or if self-aware will ignore it anyway. Maybe you just want to meet friends. watch others dance, listen to the music or dance just a little. These are altogether different things in which case you probably need a ‘how to reject an invitation to dance tactfully’ strategy).
What are your expectations when you get there? If they are “I am entitled to dance with anyone I ask” and/or “I expect everyone I ask to dance with me.” then your chances of getting to dance are reduced and those of rejection increased. If, on the other hand, you have ‘no expectations’, you have partly (or wholly) dealt with rejection and if you also have a ‘maximise yes strategy’ you increase your chances of dancing.
Bear in mind even with a ‘maximise yes strategy’ you will (hopefully less often) face rejection. Because of this you still need a back-up ‘rejection strategy’. (The comments in the post give good rationals for why a person may say ‘no’). Note: The ‘ask at you own risk’ box would need modifying since with no expectations, asking carries no risk. It becomes “Did they want to dance this time? If they didn’t then use your back-up ‘rejection strategy’ the last step of which should be ‘ask someone else’ or some such that gets you to loop back in to the ‘maximise yes strategy’ so that you go on to ask another person to dance.
To simplify, have no expectations about whether someone in particular will dance with you before you set out, have a ‘maximize yes strategy’ and a back-up ‘rejection strategy’. This may seem a bit clinical or fake. As time goes on you may find the maximise or rejection strategies were just helpful tips as having no expectations means you can freely ask anyone.
I love the ‘no expectations’ advice. Hard to master, but it’ll make dancers happier!
love,love,love this! so true! thanks so much for posting. will try the eye-contact tip right away!
You’re welcome! It took me a long time to figure out the eye contact thing! I would not have thrived in Argentine Tango. Good thing I learned lindy hop instead. :-)
I think we need more details on a “‘how to reject an invitation to dance tactfully’ strategy”. As a beginner, sometimes I need a break and rejecting someone at a particular moment can be misunderstood…
Duly noted. Rejecting people is a tough thing to talk about honestly. Many people feel they shouldn’t be rejected. I’ll think on that. Thanks for the suggestion.
Your last few comments under “First Things first” talking negatively against those who love dancing to all kinds of music with all kinds of dancers is demeaning.
You just described yourself as the kind of dancers that annoys me.. the “UP Tight” one.. you don’t like dancing with someone unless they make you feel “Special?” It almost sounds like your saying “NO don’t just dance with anyone have a “Standard” .. so what? If people do NOT match up to your standard you’re just going to reject them? Don’t just ask ANYONE? Be Picky about who you dance with? That’s what that comment sounds like.. and those dancers.. I avoid dancing with…I spent the past 6 years learning to be versatile with my dance so I CAN dance to any song being played and I don’t have to sit around sulking because I can’t keep step with what’s on..and even more so.. I LOVE being able to adjust my dance to suit that of my partner, regardless of their skill level, age, or experience.. so far.. everyone I’ve danced with has had fun.. you’re comment on that one.. does not sound very friendly, nor social..
It’s true that I’m not very social, though I am very friendly. I want to feel special because I want to make a connection with the other person–I don’t want to be someone else’s entertainment accessory.
I’m not patently against people who love to dance to any song, as I said. Outgoing and extroverted folks can really make that work for them. They can make a connection with everyone they dance with. That’s quite a gift, and if you have it, you’re awesome!
Good points Casino. Being picky may lead to further anxiety about asking.
Maybe I have misunderstood the post, I thought the idea was to avoid rejection. If that is the case then asking someone who is is quite happy to dance with anyone would mean you get to dance rather than hear the ‘no’ word when you ask.
Some of them may not make you feel special, though others will. What they do do is get you out on the floor. This means you are visible and that increases your opportunities to get the next dance. Perhaps as you walk off the floor someone will stop you and ask you to dance! No rejection issues then.
I agree with that section. We have two great factions where I dance, those who are there to move about and make “tango steps and figures” (these I would consider the people that will dance to anything with anyone) and those who realize good tango, fully satisfying tango requires connection to both the music and the partner. The person who claims to dance well to any music with anyone must be the best dancer in the world (or in denial) as I have seen Argentinian Maestros who have been dancing 40-50 years stop at some piece of music (usually an experiment on the part of the DJ) and shake their heads and sit down.
Rebecca – GREAT flow sheet that in my opinion is soooo true (and equally applicable for men/women). I laughed working my way through your flow sheet – but was struck by the infinite “dance wisdom” integrated throughout. THANKS for posting.
Glad you liked it and got a good laugh! Thanks for stopping by.
Love the flow chart and this weeks post explaining entitlement more. thank you for posting!
My personal rule on rejections is that after the second consecutive time someone turns me down – same night or not – I will not ask her again unless she asks me first. I think it’s a fairly reliable indicator that she either really doesn’t want to dance with me, period, or that her thought processes aren’t ones I can comprehend. There are a number of people in the local dance scenes I haven’t danced with in years as a result, and that’s OK. Oddlly, I know one of them thinks I rejected *her* by not continuing to ask.
My asking success has been quite good, but on occasion I have felt that I was asking awkwardly and people just said yes out of obligation. Also I attributed one instance of being turned down to the other person being a snob….when in reality I didn’t heed appropriate timing and he had every right to say no. After reading this, I realized a bit more awareness was in order. I took extra care in my asking method at a recent weekend event, with splendid results. :) Quite a few leads asked me after I made initial eye contact , before I said a thing. The only guy who turned me down needing to rest his leg, which was something I couldn’t tell beforehand, so we just ended up chatting for a bit instead.
And then there were the times I moved to make eye contact with someone standing near the dance floor, and either they didn’t see me or were avoiding, and then I just felt silly and kinda stalkerish for coming all the way over. :P Not sure if that one is curable.
I heart this flowchart !
As a nerd who appreciates systems of rules, this one helps me. Particularly the parts about high-demand dancers, and those who have turned you down before (and may or may not have said ‘catch me later’). I’ve dealt with these situations before, but this helps me put my experience into perspective.
I like the 3 different outcomes too. Sometimes someone is a hottie and you may want to “ask at your own risk”. But the chart can help set your expectations so that if it ends up being only a complement you give them instead of a dance, you can exit gracefully. Recieving a decline gracefully is a surefire way to set you apart from creeps. And any advice that can help not only with getting to yes, but on dealing with no, is helpful !
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The first thing I notice about the chart is how much entitlement towards follows and how much judgement toward leads is baked-in right off the bat. The author appoints herself the arbiter of 1) which leads qualify as a ‘creep’, 2) which leads enjoy dancing, 3) which leads enjoy the music, 4) determining what leads are and are not entitled to feel upon rejection, 5) in which location leads should and should not ask follows to dance, 6) what low expectations the lead should have if they’ve been rejected before and most of all 7) when leads should ‘GO HOME’!
In stark contrast, follows are presented as 1) potentially in ‘high-demand’ 2) granting ‘permission’ to be asked through a cabaceo (in Swing?) and 3) demanding a ‘genuine connection’ when dancing with a partner.
If I followed these rules when I first started dancing, I would have never grown as a dancer, since I’d be far too worried about breaching etiquette in asking a more accomplished partner to the floor.
I only started to truly grow as a dancer when I completely rejected any and all efforts to earn validation from follows. Once I stopped apologizing for daring to exist in the dance world with limited skills and realized that all follows are FULLY INTERCHANGEABLE and EASILY REPLACED, ladies quite suddenly started saying ‘Yes’, my skill level really took off, and it became a positive feedback loop. In fact, about three years in now, there are some nights when I don’t ask a single follow to dance – they line up one right after the other, arguing over who will be dancing with me next.
Something else I have to say is a good dancer will push their limits with the music and try to figure out the beat, even if they are not 100% comfortable. To answer a previous commenter – the “forty to fifty year veterans” of Tango that sit down when a song doesn’t strike their fancy? That’s called “the comfort zone” – aka complacency. That’s pretty much why 70 year-olds don’t dream up the Facebooks, Googles or new dancing techniques of the world, but I digress.
Things have come full circle. Some of the follows that were elitist and judgmental when I was a novice now stare at me dance with all their friends as they sit on the bench.
In sum, I’ll quote Will Smith when he said “If you were absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.” :-D
Cheers
Oddly enough, the chart says nothing whatsoever about “leads” or “follows”. The anger towards “follows” (aka I strongly suspect “women”) and ageism in your comment aren’t very attractive, but good for you on having eventually become accepted in your dance scene despite those factors.
The author? Hey that’s me! I think you may be projecting, that is, assuming what you feel is how I feel. This isn’t just about how I want leads to treat follows (or men to treat women). This is about how I want people to treat each other, and what works well for me now. I personally committed many of these dance-asking-missteps for several years. How else would I know what NOT to do?
This is so cool! Love The Blog! Keep It Up!