“Why aren’t the cool people talking to me??”
When I first fell in love with dancing, this question plagued me. I wanted to be friends with the cool people in my scene, but they didn’t talk to me. They talked to each other, but not to me.
Inside, my heart whimpered, “I am one of you! Notice me! Like me!”
Yup. I spent a TAD too much time driving myself nuts over it.
You'd be surprised what comes up when you do a Google image search for "cool person."
However, over time I’ve gotten to know the cool people. Some people even think I’m cool now.
[At the Century Ballroom in Seattle, we sit by the DJ booth. I've heard people are nervous to go over to that corner. I see the looks on the faces of the new leads who ask me to dance. Frankly, some of them look terrified.]
I moved to Seattle partly due to a debilitating back injury. So I’ve had a lot of non-dancing time to think. Sitting in cool people shoes means I can now understand.
And I think I can speak for others, even those with many more cool points than me.
Why the Cool People Aren’t Talking to You Yet
An honest and straight-forward answer for the people who think about it too much.
1) They don’t have anything to say.
I mean this literally. I think this can cover about 90% of the reasons cool person X hasn’t said anything to you. Because they haven’t thought of anything to say.
We’re all subject to this. It’s not personal.
2) They were awkward/shy/unsociable before they became dancers, and they are STILL awkward/shy/unsociable.
Sadly, having the appearance of coolness doesn’t make someone outgoing.
My outlook is this: If all other reasons fail, assume the person is just weird. It really works. I can tell you, after years of waiting to meet some of these cool people, I’m shocked at how weird they are. (*Cough*Like me*Cough*)
3) You don’t have anything in common.
Besides dancing, I mean. Often we like to talk about things other than dancing. If you don’t have common friends or common non-dance interests, what are you going to talk about?
Of course this raises the question, what if you have common interests but just don’t know it?
You probably do! If you didn’t perceive this person as cooler than you, you’d probably just go over and introduce yourself. Then you’d find out what you have in common.
4) You haven’t been around long enough.
One thing I’ve realized over the years is that these cool people have one very major thing in common: a long-time dedication to dancing. And there’s only one way to develop that.
Show up, dance your heart out, get better. Repeat.
Think about it. If you had to talk to every excited new dancer who walked through the door, you’d be overwhelmed. Many dancers don’t stick around and make a serious habit of it. Lots of people talk the talk, but only a few walk the walk.
When you say, “OMG I love dancing!” remember that lots of people say that. As a newbie, I knew deep down that I meant it. But it takes time to show it.
If you want to form a bond with people who have been around for a long time, you have to stick around.
Yes, but shouldn’t they go out of their way to make the newbies comfortable?
Listen, whoever you think is cool, they don’t come out dancing to make your life easy. They come to dance. (Or any number of personal motivations.)
In most scenes, there are a lot of things that happen at dances to make new people feel more comfortable. I didn’t really appreciate those at the time, because I was too busy focusing on my remaining discomfort.
I wish I’d dropped the “Why won’t someone make me feel comfortable?” attitude much sooner. I mean, was I in high school again? Seriously.
Because of that attitude, I stopped myself from
taking advantage of countless opportunities.
You know you shouldn’t spend so much time worrying about whether so-and-so notices you. Chances are good that you’re missing tons of social opportunities.
Lindy hop attracts so many cool freakin’ people. Talk to the ones that don’t intimidate you. In time, as you make a place for yourself in the scene, it won’t bother you anymore.
What do you think? Have you spent a little too much time wishing you could be friends with the “cool” people? What do you do to get out of that mindset?
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This doesn’t get said enough – well done!
+10 interwebs!
I think 95% of the “snobbiness” in dance scenes exist only in the mind.
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen over the years who said, “yeah, i thought there was such a clique, but then i went and sat down with those people in the cool corner, and man, they’re awesome!”.
Totally agree with you, Dan – I think it’s really silly to assume a group of people is a certain way until you actually TALK to them, whether it’s dancers or athletes or whatnot…it’s sad to me that in assuming that the “cool people” won’t talk to them, many newer dancers don’t take action to say hi or anything and thus loose out the opportunity to make some new friends.
Awesome awesome awesome.
I think everyone goes through this on some level. And the cool people are just awkward weirdos too…
Doubly Guilty as charged. For me it’s the sitting down with those people and talking or starting a conversation and then carrying it (though there are plenty of people guys or girls that have this issue esp. on dates from what I’ve read). So anyways I have the same inhibitions as you. Glad to know we aren’t along out there even though our minds may tell us otherwise.
excellent post and points. i do believe this post’s advice can be applied to many areas during our lives: youth, age, and in between. (hm… am thinking… as we age, we eventually quit viewing others as *cool*.) i especially think children should be taught this at an early age, before starting school for sure, imho.
Most people in that corner are intoxicated in some form, so I wouldn’t worry about it. I consider these people my friends and honestly I appreciate sitting at a dance and talking just as much as dancing.
I remember when I was a newbie….Swingerhead and Cherry Poppin’ Daddies were all the roar. I had taken ballroom classes and new some charleston from Disney choreography. I went out dancing every single night, dropped out of college, took as many workshops as I could, and inched my way into the cool kids life.
Seriously. It’s the same as walking into crowded restaurant and expecting to be able to sit down at a table full of people you don’t know and being like “HEY GUYS. SEE. I LIKE FOOD TOO. LETS BE BESTIES.”
But if you both found yourselves at the same restaurant 3-5 nights a week, you’d find *some* reason to strike up a conversation.
Agree w/ this wholeheartedly.
I could care less whether the corner where the experienced dancers hang out is socially cliquey or not. (Well, I care a little.) But what really gets me is when that corner is Lindy-cliquey – meaning it’s a corner full of experienced dancers who never ask non-experienced dancers to dance. It doesn’t have to be a lot: three dances a night, 10 minutes, with newbies is still going to rock three newbies’ worlds. It makes a huge difference.
I’ll let you in on a secret, which I think you’re privileged enough to know now that you are part of an elite club. That of the Lindy Hop blogger of course.
The “Cool People” judge all the time. When they’re not meeting in secret clubs or closed online forums, they’re using telepathy to monitor every single person that walks into a dance.
It’s actually a very formal process where lower level Cool People are tasked with building dossiers on new dancers which are then submitted to a special branch of the FBI for very informal psychological profiling. They wouldn’t be asked to do a more rigorous one because that would be stupid. This is just Lindy Hop after all.
Once all the relevant information is compiled along with interviews with family and past girlfriends and/or boyfriends, it’s passed around to all Level 8 and above Cool People for review. After a randomly determined amount of time, a vote is called and if the subject is approved, that person is a deemed worthy for acknowledgement as they walk by to put away their dance bag.
I would go into the particulars of passing the exam for actual conversation, but I’m afraid the character limit on this comment section wouldn’t let me get past the introduction, not to mention mess up the formatting of the accompanying charts.
Besides, I’m afraid I’ve spent too much time at this location. The Cool People are on to me and it’s only a matter of time before they track me down, but fortunately they’re too busy formulating the next trend. I think it has something to do with combining polka and jazzercize to Hungarian folk music. They called it something, but I didn’t quite catch it . . .
I don’t know who you are, but that was great. Please marry me. Thanks.
What Jen said.
Perhaps you’d consider having two wives?
ZOMG, where’s the like button?
Jerry, your comment is SO full of win!
I have no marriage proposals but I also love Jerry’s comment! I really think that if anyone is going to be concerned about anything it’s if someone is in fact rude to you – i.e. sees you all the time and never says hi or even smiles or makes fun of you in some explicit way. I have no desire to be cliquish, but I do find as I’ve gotten older, my energy and ability to be available to tons of new people has diminished – even though my desire hasn’t! Oh, to be infinite!! :)
Just to clarify, I wasn’t trying to say I am necessarily cool ;) or advanced or anything…I’ve just been around for a bit longer than a brand new dancer!!
hahaha
If you are the Alisha I’m thinking of, you are definitely a cool cat!
I feel like I should say something to this, but… I just… want… to… propose…
I think I’ll go read some more of your blog instead. (That’s http://jsalmonte.wordpress.com/ for the people who don’t know to click on Jerry’s name.)
What new dancers need to realize is that THEY are the cool ones. They are going out of their comfort zone and doing something new. And that’s pretty cool.
Chances are that the people who have been around for years and years already know everything there is to know about each other. The new people bring new ideas and personalities. In a lot of ways, the new dancers have more to offer than the old ones.
I SECOND THIS! :-)
I agree with Greg above. I think it’s in the best interests of the ‘Cool People’ (by which I assume you mean the more advanced dancers) to make things easier for the new dancers. I would hope that you want new people to come back and help the scene grow. It’s not just about asking new people to dance–it’s about being patient and willing to help someone out. When I started dancing and knew about four East Coast turns, some of the more advanced people I’d dance with would look completely bored. That is intimidating. And let’s face it–you’re not going to get much better if you only get to dance with the people from the intro lesson.
I would have completely agreed with you both about 4 years ago. I also wanted the cool people to come ask me to dance.
My thinking was very selfish and disempowering, though. That’s the point I’m making. I still struggle with the same limiting thoughts when I come into contact with rock star dancers. So it’s not like I’m disconnected from that vantage point.
A few direct thoughts:
“…three dances a night, 10 minutes, with newbies is still going to rock three newbies’ worlds. It makes a huge difference.”
Fantastic idea in theory. Many, many good dancers actually do this. Like I said, I sit and watch quite a lot. I’m impressed by how much mixing there is.
But should every advanced dancer have to do this? I myself would be overwhelmed if the onus were on me to rock the newbies’ worlds. I would not come out dancing as often.
Of course, the cool peeps you most focus on are the ones who don’t give you the time of day, right? The ones who mix with the newbs the most don’t have that same air of ‘coolness’.
So, no–”advanced dancers” and “cool people” are not synonymous at all.
“…some of the more advanced people I’d dance with would look completely bored.”
And by the same token, many newer dancers look entirely too bored when I dance with them. No one likes to dance with a partner that looks bored.
Newbies are cut a lot of slack of course, as they should be. But no one can tell me I need to (a) ask 3 newbies to dance every night I go out, and (b) make sure the look on my face is adequately cheerful. That is a HUGE responsibility to shoulder, especially as an introvert, as so many dancers are.
Remember, advanced dancers are just normal people who happen to be pretty good at dancing. They didn’t ask to be perceived as cool. To speak for myself, I now spend too much time worrying whether I’m intimidating, or whether I’ve hurt someone’s feelings when I turn them down for a dance
Again, the point is that it’s really unhelpful for anyone to focus on what other people should be doing to make them feel better. I agree that it’s nice to dance with people who are better dancers than me.
But I’m in no way entitled to not be intimidated. Why? Because the intimidation is in my head. No one can fix that but me.
P.S. Thanks for your comment. It’s good to have more diverse opinions. :-)
I see your point–there’s no reason to expect people to come and talk to me. People come to dance, and I can ask anyone. My point is that not everyone comes into the social dance scene knowing this. Thus, it’s in the best interests of the group for the ‘cool people’ or the advanced dancers or the instructors to be friendly and encouraging to newcomers. You’re right– intimidation is in my head, but if the advanced dancers ignore the newcomers, the newcomers won’t be coming back.
Right. But advanced dancers don’t categorically ignore new dancers.
In Seattle that’s certainly not the case. In the scene where I ‘grew up’, that wasn’t the case, even though it really really felt like it at the time.
Some advanced dancers mix a lot, some very little. I’m making the point that it’s the latter group that appears ‘cool’. And It’s the cool people’s attention we care about, not the advanced dancers who dance with the newbies every day.
So, despite the fact that good dancers did ask me to dance as a complete newbie, I discounted them as ‘regular dancers’ and fixated on the people who ignored me.
I mean, if they were asking ME to dance, they couldn’t be that good, right?
There are always going to be ‘cool’ people in any hobby to which people are highly dedicated. Rather than wishing that social structures would change, I want newbies to not make the mistake I did. Don’t fixate on the idea that people should talk to you or dance with you.
It’s not high school, and if you act that way, you’ll perceive that you are treated poorly.
Dan – imagine you are an advanced dancer and the amount of time you have at a particular dance night is not enough to dance with even the people you know and like dancing with. So would you as a paying customer ALWAYS give up time to dance with a beginner? What’s wrong with those that aren’t so advanced dancers, why aren’t they be expected to be welcoming too? They are also far less intimidating to newbies.
Sadly I rarely get to do any dancing let alone Lindy Hop these days and on the odd occasion we get to a dance I tend to dance quite a lot with my other half, particularly at say a Jive nights. The reason – at least we can Lindy together to any music that has a swing element. This may appear standoffish as I do not mix with others as much as I used to and I will certainly never turn anyone down for a dance, but I paid to get in to dance and chat with people I rarely see. There are Taxi dancers and the teacher as well as other people working at the venue whose actual job is to welcome and encourage newbies.
But I have to say I have very little time for teachers who do not mix with the students at a teaching night. They are simply not doing their job properly.
‘There will always be “cool” people…’
I see the distinction you are making, now. You’re right–most people at social dances (advanced or not) are very outgoing. In that case, I agree with your advice here. It’s not worth my time to worry about what other people think of me.
@Imajez- You’re right: everyone should be welcoming and encouraging to newcomers. I’d like to think that I’m an advanced dancer (perhaps at least intermediate), and I make it a point to dance with as many different people as I can, regardless of skill level. I enjoy trying out new steps on more advanced dancers and teaching less experienced dancers something they might not have learned yet. I don’t expect everyone to share my philosophy, but I think it’s important for the instructors or whoever is managing the dance events to find ways of encouraging the beginners to keep coming.
The real truth is, that the “cool” people are intimidated by you.
I’m (apparently) an advanced follower and a quasi-advanced leader, and I often ask newbies to dance.
I haven’t danced much for the past year, but when I do, I tend to dance with the people in the “Kat’s Korner” at whatever venue I’m frequenting. First, because I only get better when I dance with dancers who challenge me. And second, because the experienced dancers are less likely to hurt me than the newbies (I have a shoulder that has never quite recovered from years of badly-led underarm turns.)
I suppose I could be identified as one of the “cool” people. Off the dance floor, I tend to be very shy and socially awkward. ;) I’d MUCH rather dance than talk. And I’ll dance with anyone who asks me, but you have to ASK ME. Don’t stand across the room and wish you could dance with me. Just ASK. If I have fun, I’ll probably dance with you again, even if you’re a noob. A well-done basic is nothing to be ashamed of.
My 2 cents.
Socially awkward people unite!
“A well-done basic is nothing to be ashamed of.” I am totally in support of this statement. Thanks for your 2 cents.
Indeed. When I started taking lessons several years ago, my instructor told us: ‘If all you do during the entire dance is the basic and nobody gets hurt, that’s a good dance.’
Thank you for writing out what I often think but can’t communicate outside of my brain.
No doubt that perception exists and it probably explains, at least to some extent, why some do not stick with dancing. I have three disjointed thoughts: 1) Cool is subjective, 2) talented does not always equal cool, and 3) I graduated high school in 1993, but this post took me back to my high school cafeteria. No thanks!
It’s curious how if the good looking people/the talented dancers/the rock stars of whatever social scene who do not rush to talk to new people they are seen as standoffish, yet you’ll probably get as ignored or acknowledged just as little or as much by everyone else in the room, but only the ‘cool people’ will be seen as snobs.
You get cliques, otherwise known as groups of friends in all places and usually if people don’t immediately welcome you, it’s often because they are themselves shy or do not know what to say to the stranger.
This doesn’t there aren’t snobby/elitist types out there just like there are those who spot the new person and make the effort to welcome them.
Mitchel’s analogy with other restaurant customers is spot on.
I used to be a ‘cool person’, before I moved to the other side of the world and dance rarely these days, so my ‘cool’ days are over. Now when I go back to the US, the old ‘cool crowd’ is excited to see me, but the people who have started dancing in the past 5 years don’t care. So I kind of get to see what it’s like to be an outsider again. Whatever, as long as I get to dance, it’s fine by me.
I almost never ask beginner leads to dance, because I have a bad wrist and shoulder that are bad due to overzealous newbie dancers, and get easily injured by any kind of wrenching. It’s not personal, I just don’t want to dance with someone until I know that they won’t hurt me. If I watch them dance a few dances and they don’t seem dangerous, sure. I’m also quite shy and introverted, and maybe this made people in the past think I was snobby/intimidating. Instead I was really an awkward shy person with bad joints. I DO ask beginner follows to dance quite a bit, though. I love leading, and I think beginning follows are fun. I can also reduce the likelihood of being injured when I’m leading, so that’s a plus.
Hi Anna,
I’m pretty much in your position. I’m definitely what’s considered “a cool person” in my scene. I’ve had a bad right shoulder & wrist for years. I had this notion that it was my responsibility to feel the newbies welcome so I would dance with them all the time. After years of my injuries not healing due to bad/forceful leading (I know, I know, it’s not their fault, they haven’t had a chance to learn how to protect their partners) I had to stop completely. Now I only dance with experienced dancers that I know won’t hurt me (a.k.a fellow team members). For that reason, I started to be perceived as snobbish, cliquey and the likes.
But you know what? people that take the time to talk to me and get to know me, know that’s bullshit. And I learned that 1. I need to take care of myself first and 2. I’m not anybody’s saviour. Newbies will get better in time and then, we can dance together and have lots of fun :)
oops, I mean, Annie :P
Annie, you are definitely still cool in my eyes. :-)
Thanks for your perspective. It’s a great example of how someone can have a whole world of legitimate reasons not to be talking and/or dancing with a beginner, none of which are snobby.
ha, thanks! Glad to know I’m not forgotten even though I’ve dropped off the face of the earth :).
I think this is one of the first times of my life I’ve been called ‘cool’…. the dance crowd is the antithesis of what I remember of high school. Only among lindy hoppers can a physicist who likes to sew and read be a cool person!
Dude! your a physicist? you’re the coolest in my book! :)
Yup! With multiple degrees and all. Again, only among dancers is this considered cool… otherwise a woman physicist is either intimidating or just weird. Thanks, I feel super-cool right now!
yeah, I guess we swingdancers tend to be geeks. In my scene, there are a lot of programmers and scientists :)
However, I would’ve thought you kicked ass even when I was not a dancer. But then again I’m a molecular biologist and a published amateur astronomer ;)
GEEKS UNITE! Will you be my friend, Claudia?
I think we’re best friends already! he he
You can read this advice and place any activity, interest, hobby, passion, or social group in place of the words “lindy hop” and “dancer” and it is still very true. This is not an issue of the dance scene. This is how people interact/think/live in our society. This happens at my workplace, in the rave scene, in art school, and anywhere else that people go on a regular basis. Just thought I’d point that out — if people don’t know you, they probably won’t go out of their way unless you do as well. As someone pointed out, this isn’t high school — you’re an adult, this is called life, and it is no one’s job to make you feel more comfortable. This is excellent advice for anyone trying to interact socially in any situation.
so, where’s the “like” button? ;)
I particularly love this part ” you’re an adult, this is called life, and it is no one’s job to make you feel more comfortable”
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