When you don’t know someone well, there’s pretty much ONE way to ask them to dance.
And there are at least 27 ways which will most often get you rejected.
How many have you done? In my earlier dance years, I’d be guilty of at least half. I wondered why certain people didn’t want to dance with me. Then I’d get pissy or sit in the corner and sulk.
Would YOU want to dance with this?
I hope that doesn’t sound familiar. But if it does, you can analyze and fix your dance-asking strategies. First, let’s cover what you may be doing to sabotage yourself.
27 Ways to be Rejection Magnet
- Ask someone who’s avoiding eye contact
- Ask someone in the middle of a conversation
- Run across the floor to catch someone
- Hold your hand out at an awkward or wimpy angle while asking
- Holding your hand out. Period.
- Grab someone who’s walking past you
- Ask too quietly
- Be over the top
- Ask a group of people if one of them wants to dance
- Ask someone outside of the dance room
- Ask someone who’s solo dancing
- Ask someone who’s getting ready to leave
- Don’t make eye contact
- Walk up and tap someone from behind
- Ask like you’re scared they’ll say no
- Pounce on someone when they’re about to ask someone else to dance
- Be aggressive or pushy
- Ask someone who looks bored
- Ask someone who is surrounded by a group of friends
- Ask someone who’s falling asleep
- Ask someone who’s sitting waaay at the back of the dance room, behind bags, coats, shoes, and hoards of people who look like they want to dance
- Ask someone who’s standing next to another person on the dance floor
- Look annoyed when you’re asking
- Stick your foot out when someone’s walking past
- Act like you don’t care if they say yes or no
- Act like the kernel of your self esteem rests on whether they say yes or no
- Wait for someone to ask you to dance
This is my rejection magnet. I use it when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself.
Why do people use these strategies in the first place? Lots of reasons: nerves, shyness, poor understanding of social cues, cultural differences, a sense of entitlement that everyone should dance with you.
Note: When you know someone well, you can bend social rules and norms a little. You wouldn’t fart loudly in a room of people you don’t know, but your friends might laugh.
The same goes with asking someone to dance. At your own risk, you can interrupt a conversation, be over the top, or not make eye contact. Or make that funny jerking motion your friends have come to understand as, “You dance with me now.”
How should you ask someone to dance? It’s actually quite easy:
Look pleasant, approach at an angle, make eye contact, and ask,
“Do you want to dance?”
That’s it. Clean and simple.
Oh, did I mention being confident?
Lack of confidence is a killer way to get rejected. You’ll get so many NOs you can write your own blog post. Heh.
Also, if rejection bothers you, remember: You don’t have to dance with anyone. And ‘anyone’ doesn’t have to dance with you, either. It’s a relief to realize we’re not compelled to dance with anyone who asks.
So, what a treat when someone says yes! They are giving you the gift of their time and attention. And hopefully sharing 3 minutes of pure joy with you.
Special thanks to contributor Lee Broxson, who was kind enough to shoot the shit with me one night at the Century when I didn’t feel like dancing.
What are your ‘best’ ways of getting rejected at a dance?
P.S. You should like DWT on Facebook. Then we can chat more!
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bahaha, that’s a great post. :-) I’ve done at least 5 of those things, if not more, funny to see it in print. But somehow, I’ve only ever once gotten a ‘no’ (it was memorable) and a handful of ‘maybe-laters.’ But I think that has more to do with the supportive attitude of the local swing community here than my ability to elicit a ‘yes.’
Brilliant article yet again!
And I can definitely admit that I have used a few of these techniques….with the obvious results you predicted. Just as a study to test your theory of course, even though I used them before you wrote your article it was strictly for research purposes only, honest. And I have been adequately offended by a few of them being used on me. My personal favourite that makes me want to say no (even though I might want to dance) being a version combining #5 and #13 with a silly look on the person’s face and no verbal communication.
And just for the engineers in the crowd – have you researched what particular angle of approach will elicit the highest percentage of yes answers? If not, perhaps this will be the topic of someone’s masters thesis!
You know, and you might say yes, right? But really you’re irritated that you had an expectant hand thrust in front of you. And then the dance doesn’t go so well, and you try to avoid that person for the rest of the night. Cough.
Yes, I also have committed these offenses in the name of research, only.
Love it. ;) I did close to half of these in my early days. It’s a wonder anyone wants to dance with me today.
I think this list should be made into a t-shirt to wear at events, then when it happens to you, you can just point at the relevant number :)
AWESOME. Hahaha!
Or better, to invite someone to dance, just point to a certain # on your t-shirt while looking at someone, haha! I think that makes #30…
I can’t say I agree with all of these, although there are definitely wrong ways to ask. I don’t dance swing (not well at least), but I’ve done ballroom and latin for over 5 years. There are certainly differences in the communities, but there are a lot of similarities. A few of the bigger points I disagree with:
Ask someone who’s avoiding eye contact – Sometimes people are shy, especially beginners or people new to the area or that particular social. If you approach and ask very nicely you may get rejected but you may also make their night. If they are
Holding your hand out. Period. – I think this can be gentlemanly (or ladylike) as long as it’s accompanied by a question and not just thrusting your hand into their field of vision.
Ask someone who is bored, sitting in the back, in a conversation, etc – When people go to a dance, they go for 2 reasons: to dance and to be social. Sometimes they are in a conversation because no one asked them to dance. If you are polite and don’t barge into the middle, there are ways you can interrupt a conversation to ask someone to dance. Also, sometimes people who are bored or sitting “in the back” are doing so because they are shy or intimidated and maybe you’ll make their night by asking.
I have, of course, seen all of these done the WRONG way.
Yeah, there’s lots of wiggle room here, for sure. And I’m amazed at the differences in dance communities, eg tango vs swing. Even different dance scenes (as Katy above noted).
There’s not much difference between asking a woman to dance and asking her out on a date, is there?
Like! Being direct is what it’s all about.
Elisabeth ‘Biz’ Dingivan likes this [thumbs up].
Great idea for an entry!
I realized last night my criterion for who I ask to dance is as follows:
1. Follows standing off the floor, tapping their foot or generally looking eager gets asked immediately, no matter what.
2. Follows who make eye contact or smile or do anything even remotely human or social.
3. Follows I actually want to dance with/have danced with previously.
4. Follows who seem shy and hesitant. I find this challenging and like the idea that I could possibly help them relax a little/feel comfortable. 50% of the time this backfires. Be warned.
5. Pretty follows that don’t dance well enough that I won’t completely bore them to death with my mad basic skillz.
So, if I run across the floor, hold my hand out, and ask someone who’s in the middle of a conversation, while not making eye contact, and they say “yes”, how many points do I get?
I think that’d be 4 points.
1) Yes, I WOULD want to dance with that.
2) I’ve done all 27 of these things but I don’t always get rejected! I will try to have less confidence when I do them next time.
Great post!
#2: Word. Many dancers are too polite to say no outright. And some people genuinely aren’t bothered by certain methods.
And some people just ‘get away’ with stuff because they are super confident! Eg you. :-D
Thanks!
Oh, how I love a good list :)
What are your thoughts on reinforcing good etiquette/discouraging poor etiquette within the dance community? As another reader mentioned, excluding exhaustion, injury, or approaching creeper, follows are taught to accept as many requests as possible. So, regardless of how irritating the request is, I always try to say yes when asked to dance. How will those people ever know to change their approach if they’re getting positive results? (Aside from reading your blog, of course, and realizing that he/she is guilty of 1-17, 21, and 26.)
For my own part, I’m a #27. I’m guilty of not requesting dances outside of my own social circle. I’m fragile, and rejection does not sit well with me. And I find that the worse rejection is not the “no”, but the “yes”, followed by a very bored/put-out dance, and future avoidance of all unnecessary eye contact. (Which is undoubtedly exaggerated in my mind x10 :))
You know, I think it may be the domain of some other blog to contemplate how to reinforce good etiquette. I tend to focus on ways to personally empower people, rather than think of ways to change others…
That said, of course I do have an opinion.
I think most people figure this stuff out eventually. I don’t think girls need to say “yes” as much as possible. And I don’t think it’s good to go the opposite direction and be really strict about how people ask you to dance.
I think the real problem is when there is a particular person who is very bad at asking people to dance. Maybe they are annoying or aggressive or have very poor social skills for whatever reason.
People like that tend to get talked about. At that point, maybe it’s time to have a little intervention: “Hey, you may think you’re being cute or funny, but I don’t like it when you run up and poke me.”
Being direct once or twice can go a long way. Especially if the person is a friend.
Be you a Guy or a Gal, Before even stepping out of the house, think about the place your going, the atmosphere of the place, picture what everyone else normally wears.
Look at your self in the Mirror, and ask yourself would someone that doesn’t know me want to dance with me?
start by out dressing the norm, making sure you smell clean AND look clean.
I know I’ll ignore someones bad call to ask me to dance, when i’m away from the dance floor, or with a group of friends, if they look great and have a big smile…
and when looking down the wall at a line of wallflowers, guess which one I’ll pick first? the safe bet is whoever puts effort into their appearance to look special.
Very, very good points, Peter. Thanks for the input.
OH, another very overlooked thing is location…These Rules seem to be written for someone as a “Lindy,blues,Balboa” EVENT….
It’s different with an obvious grey area of crossover at a weekly dance,bar,club etc…depending on where you live.
At a Lindy event, people are expected to Lindy, mix it up and dance with others, be it strangers or just reuniting with friends.
At a Local weekly dance, you’ll find a mix…again, this depends on where you live, but in some of the major scenes, you’ll find the event types that just want to change partners every dance, while others might just want to dance with with their loved ones, or in the case of some Professionals, local weekly dances are when they dance with their partners primarily, due to the fact they dance with everyone But their partner at Events.
Both of these situations i’ve mentioned, I’m thinking of By Dancers for dancers…
But then there are Bars,clubs etc…which have music, which is even a different situation. There is no law against asking people to dance, but don’t have your feelings hurt when being turned down. It can be really awkward for the person your asking as well, especially when their intention is too go out and NOT dance with people.
However, you want to cut it up….the best bet, is always to bring your own Partner, and not just automatically expect people to dance with you when showing up alone…
I agree with your point about not taking a rejection personally. This also applies to weddings. A lot of people go to these places with their significant others and aren’t comfortable dancing with strangers. I’m now the guy with enough dance experience that I’m comfortable asking anyone dance, but if I get a ‘no,’ I just say ‘OK, maybe later,’ and ask someone else.
Yes, Weddings fall into the category of Bars, clubs the “real world” as opposed to a dance put on for dancers.
Hell, for years I danced with my Girlfriend at Clubs or bars simply following the live music, (and still do) and to distance myself from the stupid scene then have some lone girl walk up and want to dance…jezzz, how awkward…
In Peter Flahiff’s Lindy 101 classes, he generally has them sit down for a solid 20 minutes or so while he talks to them about etiquette. I always loved that part of the class. Perhaps, to follow up with this article, you could have him guest-write a post concerning the etiquette lessons he teaches his newbies. It sometimes seems that even the veterans of the lindy scene can sometimes use a refresher course. ;P
Guess I’ve done them all. Mostly, it worked perfectly to get a dance. Even just waiting to get asked … Be it events, regular local dances or what not. The nos are pretty rare. Though, I do only approach follows who look like they actually want to dance. To them, you might just wink your finger across the room and tap your feet.
And you all know how to be asked: stand near the dancefloor, tap you feet and put on a searching look. Works in particular if you belong to the lower-number part oft the lead-follow equation.
Other than Peter: I don’t care how they are dressed. They want to dance and look friendly, what else do you need to ask (or do anything else to show your matching interest) and be pretty sure of a yes.
Dirk, my dressing up pointer was directed to those that feel they get rejected a lot, or not asked to dance.
the Majority of Lindy Hoppers have no sense of what it takes to look good. I’m not talking about casual vs formal, I’m talking about people in the 80′s prom dresses, split soles, fisted on lipstick, biker short underwear and bed head, classic Lindy Hop…they seem to be ones always complaining about not being asked to dance.
I’m the lucky guy that makes a living teaching, dancing and actually getting to know with them…thus hearing their complaints….;)
Peter is correct. I feel like attire and presentation at a dance is a whole other conversation, but it’s definitely something people should consider.
If you’re a sweaty dude who wears nothing but a wifebeater to dances all the time, you shouldn’t be surprised when you’re turned down for a dance.
Possible candidate for your list:
- Hover around someone whom you’d like to dance with, without actually saying anything, hoping that he or she will ask you to dance.
Guilty.
Oh, that should be added to the list :)
This is a great article by the way.
Perhaps a more regional-specific issue (*cough* Korea *cough*), but literally lining up on the side of the dance floor waiting for the next dance. This is something any foreigner who has danced in Korea will know quite well (leads and follows), but I have also seen it a few times in the States. Perhaps it’s a cultural thing in Korea, and therefore something I don’t quite understand (is it simply a language barrier thing? please enlighten me if you understand this phenomenon), but I’ve seen it in the States when some of the hot shots are on the floor too. For me in Korea, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a line forming while I was dancing. And sure enough, as the song started to end, the next in line would start making a B line for me. I would be bringing the girl back from a dip only to find another standing right there with both hands out, palms down and a beaming smile as if to say “Me next?!!” I sometimes have a hard time saying no to follows, especially if I’ve never danced with them, and especially if they’re cute (and especially because I really respect it when a follow asks a lead to dance), but this lining up stuff made me say no more times than I ever have in my life. Dude has to take a break every now and then!
I will go to Seoul for a week and find out the answer to this conundrum. Answers forthcoming.
Sounds overwhelming! But nice to be popular, perhaps.
I’ve found that there are few more certain ways to ruin a night for yourself than to be set on dancing with specific popular dancers. The lining up business seems like a perfectly sensible and polite solution (as opposed to stalking and rushing a dancer, competing to be the first one there, when you know there are others waiting to dance with them).
is it ok to kick the person politely and make a gesture to dance? Or like just kind of look at them, look at the dance floor, then like stick your hand out?
Marshall, you are awesome. :-D
And how to get asked or ask:
http://www.lloydianaspects.co.uk/dance/askbeasked.html
Please take with pinch of salt.
I’ve got a few submissions!
1) Ask someone to dance by only using sounds (whistling, clicking, grunting, making urgent sounds that are not technically in any real language, etc).
2) Asking someone to dance without introducing yourself.
3) Beckoning your partner to come to you from across the room.
4) Asking an OBVIOUSLY tired dance partner.
5) Grabbing your partner and dragging them onto the dance floor before he/she can “technically” answer.
6) Asking someone to reserve a dance for yourself so far in advance that the lead / follow forgets.
Also a suggestion for a future article! Your comment about dancers never saying No was something worth elaborating on!
Ways Dancers Say No, Without Saying No.
1) I’m (always) tired
2) I’ve (always) promised to dance with someone else.
3) I’m really really REALLY into this BS conversation.
4) I’m (always) thirsty / hungry / sweaty / need to pee.
5) “Resting” after a dance never seems over.
6) Strategically placing one’s self away from a potential dance partner in the room.
Or
Ways to Tell If A Dancer Really Wanted To Say No To This Dance.
1) Lack of Eye Contact
2) Lack of Smiling
3) Noticeable drop in dancer’s energy
4) Lazy Following, Lazy Leading
5) Enforcing a non-flexible body distance
6) Ending a song early.
7) Looking Bored.
8) If you had to follow someone around the room to dance with them.
I’m definitely guilty of not introducing myself when asking someone to dance for the first time, but really, I kinda thought that was kinda part of Lindy Hop culture. I’m really used to exchanging names and introductions after the first dance. Have I been being rude for the last 4 years?
Although I always do it, I don’t think people find it particularly rude in most dance circles to wait a bit to introduce yourself. Yet, i’ve found that introducing yourself is a useful gesture of goodwill that (especially in Salsa clubs) right away illustrates leads as a gentleman who are not either obsessed with “cool” dancer personas or trying to pick up girls. Because of this effect, I’d advise not wait too long to introduce yourself. Its uncomfortable to dance with someone you know nothing about.
I think you forgot 28: ask someone who is such an asshole that they might reject you based solely on subtle nuances of the way you asked.
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